System Administrator's Price List

Standard Rates

• Calling me with a question --- $10
• Calling me with a stupid question -- $20
• Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate -- $30
• Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description -- $1000+punitive damages
• Questions received via phone without first trying help desk: $10.00
• Questions where answer is in TFM: $10.00 (this should have been higher :-)
• Questions during Xpilot session: $20.00
• Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once -- $100
• Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my end somehow -- $200
• Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem -- $5/step
• Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem -- $50/mile+gas
• If you interrupt me while I was reading news: $25/hr
• If you interrupt me while I was trying to count all the xroaches on my screen: $35/hr
• If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem: $45/hr
• If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now $50/hr
• If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it: $60/hr
• If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on: $70/hr
• If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday: $75/hr
• If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday,but never did fix: $85/hr
• If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work: $95/hr
• If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who could have done it for you: $150/hr
• Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone -- $1500.00
• Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home -- $500.00
• Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do -- $150.00
• Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do -- $300.00
• Not telling all of your co-workers about it -- $850.00
• Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive -- $50.00
• BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive -- $250.00
• Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad -- $25.00
• Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees -$35.00
• Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by taking off the post-it note someone has put on the bottom. - $50.00
• Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge -- $35.00
• Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button -- $250.00
• Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger -- $25
• Changing memory partitions without informing me first -- $50
• Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first - $100 per program
• Technical support for the above programs -- $150 per hour (regardless of whether I know the program or not :))
• Spilling coke on keyboard -- $25 plus cost of keyboard
• Spilling coke on monitor -- $50 plus cost of monitor
• Spilling coke on CPU -- $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
• Leaving files on desktop -- $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed

Beeper Prices:

• Beeping me when I'm out with the significant other -- $50
• Beeping me when I'm out of town and I took pains to insure that help notes were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all machines before I left -- $100
• Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printer's offline and the fix is to press the On Line button -- $200
• Beeping me more than once while I'm asleep -- $50 per beep
• Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds -- $25
• Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem -- $500

Special Rates:

• Dealing with user body odor -- $75.00/hour
  
• Dealing with user halitosis (bad breath) -- $75.00/hour
  discount applied if over the phone
  penalty applied for bad smell left on telephone mouthpiece while borrowing phone to call your boss
• Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at site - $50.00/hour
• Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help -- $100.00/hour
• Dealing with computer hobbiests -- $125.00/hour
• Questioning the other prices .................................$50

From posts in alt.sysadmin.recovery from:

• jam@philabs.philips.com
• jlkinsel@engr.ucdavis.edu
• dpeschel@u.washington.edu
• msuzio@tiamat.umd.umich.edu
• nhughes@umich.edu
• harlan@oberon.cs.wisc.edu
• uhajj@superdec.uni.uiuc.edu
• jdb@psu.edu